Welcome to REVERB – The Sound’s recap of the top stories (and some not-so-top) involving Annapolis and Anne Arundel County that we found interesting enough to send your way… with a complimentary side of… well, sarcasm.
So many things are just no fun without lard
Monday marked the traditional freshman climb of the lard-slathered Herndon Monument at the Naval Academy. The custom involves plebes scaling the 21-foot monument to remove a plebe’s hat at the top and replacing it with a regular midshipman’s hat, an event that sounds hysterically fun and awesomely messy, and that begins when the Naval Academy Superintendent yells “Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!”
Hometown Annapolis says that the previous superintendent of the Academy, a killjoy named Vice Admiral Jeffrey L. Fowler, was bold enough to suggest cancelling the climb claiming that it was too likely to cause injuries.
Know what else is likely to cause injuries?
Speeding.
Rugby.
Jumping on a trampoline.
Riding cafeteria trays down snow-covered hills.
Crossing the street.
Okay, you get it. Bottom line: The man wanted to cancel a decades-old tradition because he was worried it would cause injuries? I think it counts as informed consent when the plebes are willing participants in an event where they to attempt to pull themselves up a stone monument that has been covered in Crisco. I’m fairly certain they know the injury risk. I mean, they have just made it through their freshman year of college, so it’s probably a safe assumption that they grasp the basic physics of a slippery, vertical rock face.
Rather than cancelling last year though, Fowler instead allowed the climb, but forbid the monument from being greased. For matters of comparison, I’ll throw out the time it took to get to the plebe’s hat this year (grease involved): Two hours, 41 minutes and 23 seconds. Know how long it took without the grease last year? Two minutes, two seconds.
Exciting stuff. You could blink and miss it. You could glance down to turn on your camera and miss it. You could sneeze and…again, you get it.
Rightfully, the event was restored to its full glory this year, lard-slathering and all. Likely because someone realized that injuries were much more probable when spectators realized that a two hour event had been reduced to a measly two minutes. That’s barely had enough time to spread hummus on your pita chips before the whole damn thing is over and you are forced to charge angrily at the buzzkill who allowed such a travesty to go down.
Paging Dr. Pierce to the ambubus, Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce…
On Tuesday, the Baltimore Sun gave an account of the new 26-patient bus/ambulance unveiled by the Anne Arundel County Fire Department, and reading the article, I couldn’t stop thinking about this huge multi-patient transport from some unidentified episode of M*A*S*H. This of course, hindered any ability I may have had to read and comprehend anything since then all I could think about was how cool it would be if Hawkeye was the designated doctor on board.
Don’t bother explaining the obvious flaw in my logic here. I already know – Hawkeye is clearly retired by now.
According to the article, the “ambulance can hold 14 patients on stretchers or eight in wheelchairs, or 26 in its seats.” Basically what this is appears to be is a full-service hospital waiting room on wheels that looks a lot like the Airstream trailer McDreamy lived in on Grey’s.
Also, don’t bother explaining to me the difference between fiction and reality; I’m already gone.
The AmbuBus (Busulance?) seems like a pretty inventive way to treat victims of the “mass-casualties, heat-related problems at large public events and evacuations of nursing homes” outlined by the article.
Although this is all very proactive and forward-thinking, I must point out that it really seems we are expecting an awful lot of disaster-like situations in the near future. As if the whole Rapture nonsense wasn’t unnerving enough.
Braid Bandits strike again
Maryland Gazette reported Wednesday on one of the more unusual thefts I’ve ever heard of. Two juveniles were charged with stealing hair weaves from a Beauty shop. The best part is not that these teenagers actually jacked a couple of wigs, but rather that “the incident was a minor example of a growing theft trend – boosting weaves.”
I would be remiss if I did not address the fact that the phrase “boosting weaves” sounds like it belongs in the chorus of a particularly ridiculous rap song.
“Ridiculous rap song” sounds redundant, doesn’t it?
Anyway, within the scope of the short article, we were treated to an orgy of synonyms for weave-stealing-related words, including “purloined tresses,” “hair heist” and “braid bandits.”
Ahhh, the beauty that is a thesaurus.
The article went on to note that “The focus on hair thefts is underscored by thieves who leave fancy televisions and electronics and don’t bother hitting cash registers in some of the establishments they rob.”
I am left with three possible explanations as to why nutty people would neglect to take the most valuable things within reach during a heist.
- The hair weave black market is OUT OF CONTROL if the pieces are going for more than televisions.
- Some people need cocaine fixes, while others need hair fixes. It’s an epidemic.
- Criminals are stupid. (Obviously).
We’ve got crabs
The Chesapeake Bay area is on the verge of a crab infestation.
Quick, tell your brain not to go there. Already went there? Ah well, I tried.
Scientists are telling us that if left untreated, the crabs could pose a threat to the region, and it is up to the public to help determine how far they have spread.
Okay, I’ll give. We’re talking Chinese Mitten Crabs, not …well, y’know. But that was fun there for a minute.
Mitten Crabs sound like totally adorable furry little things, but it turns out they are considered “injurious wildlife.” Yikes.
Their name comes from “distinctive furry claws” according to Greater Annapolis Patch, and they are first reported to have come to the area in 2005. Since then, it seems the crabs have gotten a little out of control, impairing fish migration, erosion and sedimentation.
The Smithsonian Environmental Research Center in Edgewater has warned the public against sending the crabs back into nature alive. Our mission, should we choose to accept it, is this: Photograph the crab, record its location, and freeze or preserve in rubbing alcohol.
Crabs on Ice, coming soon to a theater near you.
And seriously, what is with the recent infestation of Chinese bugs and crustaceans? First those icky stink bugs, and now fuzzy crabs. Enough already China, keep your damn animals to yourself!
Open mouth, insert foot.
Suddenly the bizarro picture that is What’s Up Mag has become a little clearer. A link on the front page of the mag’s site titled “Why I’m Not Sad The Blue Angels Are Cancelled,” redirects to the personal blog of the magazine’s Editor-in-Chief, Nadja Maril where we are treated to a hundred-word rant and a picture of her dog.
Maril recognizes that many of her acquaintances are disappointed that the annual Blue Angels air show was cancelled and concludes that the only possible reason they could be guilty of such an emotion is because they do not live Downtown or have a golden retriever named Grace.
Seriously. Can’t make this stuff up.
Basically, the dog is afraid of thunder. Blue Angels shows sound like thunder but more high pitched and vibrate-y. There is no conclusion made from these two statements, but I’ll go ahead and draw my own that Grace is even less of a fan of the world’s oldest formal flying aerobatic team than she is of thunder.
Maril isn’t a fan of the sound either. She evidently finds it “distracting” and “annoying,” and “had no big desire to go outside and watch the planes swerving around in the sky overhead.”
Swerving around in the sky? Really lady?
I doubt I am alone in thinking that flight demonstrations are one of the single coolest and most visually appealing events ever. And as for the noise? Sure, it’s loud as hell, but that only makes it more awesome. Plus, it gives me goosebumps. The good kind.
Meril ends her rant with, “Sometimes silence is sweet.”
So try it.
Also, in this case, it pays to heed your own advice. In a town where Navy pride is bursting from every corner, it might not be the best idea to complain about one of the most popular events of the year – when you are the Editor-in-Chief of a local magazine.
Props to commenter Mike who responded “If silence is so sweet, then maybe you should shut up.” He also says that the sound is “the sound of freedom,” which is a pretty sweet way to think about it if you ask me.
Maril responded to Mike’s post with a sheepish “Thank you for commenting. Annapolis is certainly a better place due to the presence of the U.S. Naval Academy,” but her foot was already so far into her mouth, it’ll take the Jaws of Life to remove it.
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