Death by Smart Phone, Daryl Jones is Breaking the Law, and Crime for a More Fuel-Efficient Tomorrow

Welcome to REVERB – The Sound’s recap of the top stories (and some not-so-top) involving Annapolis and Anne Arundel County that we found interesting enough to send your way… with a complimentary side of… well, sarcasm.

If Whatever You Were in the Hospital For Doesn’t Get You, Your Cell Phone Will.

So remember the days when cell phone use was strictly prohibited in hospitals and merely holding one in your hand brought angry glares from the nurses’ station and a tap on the shoulder from an overweight security guard with coffee stains on his shirt?  Yeah, it seems those days are gone.  Hospitals have relaxed their restrictions on cell phone use – probably because those bedside rotary phones don’t have texting and data plans.

According to a recent article in What’s Up Mag, a new study shows that patients’ cell phones are twice as likely to carry dangerous bacteria like MRSA than are the cell phones of healthcare workers.

I’m pretty certain this was a colossally poor use of space on surveymonkey.com considering I could have come up with the same results by rubbing my temples and humming to myself for five minutes.  The humming and rubbing of course just a careful ruse because obviously the phones of healthcare workers are cleaner, what with them being HEALTHcare workers and all, I would assume they would be more likely to sanitize their phones.  My aunt, a nurse, carries sanitizer with her everywhere to wipe off her phone, which at the rate she sanitizes, I assume must be positively teeming with MRSA and hepatitis and bird flu.  I, on the other hand, am all, “what is that goo on my phone?…” [puts to face anyways].

So now my question is this:  Why all the uproar?  A blind spider monkey could figure out that healthcare workers’ phones are cleaner than the schmuck in room 407 who eats, pees, texts and picks his toenails without so much as a running his hands under warm water.  A better solution seems to be to simply hand out some sanitizing wipes to the patients and brochures warning that MRSA will KILL, but not before it renders you blind, impotent, and eats a hole through your thigh.

Councilman Thinks He’s Above the Law…What Else is New?

Eye on Annapolis reported Tuesday on Anne Arundel County Councilman Daryl Jones who has been charged in district court for “willfully” failing to file tax returns on his $244,365 income in 2005.  He claims he neglected to file because he was dealing with the illness and death of his mother at the time, and says that eventually he did file “a couple of years ago.”

First of all, for someone who was stupid enough to ignore his taxes, this guy is grossly overpaid.

Second, I certainly recognize that life tends to get hectic/tragic/scandalous at the most inconvenient times, but it’s not like tax day can just accidentally pass by you! There are ample apocalyptic warnings that April 15 is around the corner.  News outlets devote segments to tax filing, restaurants have specials, thousands of pigeons dive-bomb pedestrians on their walk to work – those types of warnings.

While it is tragic that Jones’ mother was ill, the U.S. Government really doesn’t give a kamikaze pigeon about that.  All they care about is that the damn tax form is filed.  And as a government official (who gets paid more than a lot of doctors), what a terrible example Jones sets for his constituents.

Body Cavity Search, Party of One.

Christopher Glen College, reports the Baltimore Sun, was arrested at BWI Airport on Tuesday when a TSA agent detected a .45-caliber handgun in his luggage at a security checkpoint.  College was charged with “illegally trying to transport a handgun on his person and taking an unauthorized weapon into an airport screening area.”

I love reports like this.

For real – Laughing at the rapidly rising stupidity levels of America is actually a favorite pastime of mine.

Sure, nutcases (and even some absent-minded normal people) have things confiscated at airport security all the time – Swiss Army knives, shampoo bottles larger than 3 ounces, teddy bears stuffed with street-grade heroin…live pigeons.  Seriously, it happened, but it really kills me that any of these people actually believe they are going to make it through security.  I can never decide if they are more foolish or ballsy…or maybe equal parts.

At least the people with unexpected things get points for originality.  Stuffing live pigeons in your leggings?  That is some serious creativity.  It’s also horrifyingly disgusting to imagine live birds squirming, all salmonella-ridden and feather-covered against your bare legs, their beaks pecking at your thighs until they hit femur marrow, and this person should probably be committed to a facility with padded walls.

But still.  Creative.

The guy with the gun though?  Weak, man.  So weak.

Better Luck Next Time.

Historic Annapolis Patch hit another one out of the park with the story of a 17-year-old who stole a scooter.  Seriously, how do all these crazies fit into this small town?

Ronald Dow stole a scooter around noon last Thursday on Madison Street.  When the owner of the scooter discovered it missing, he found it behind his apartment building underneath Dow who then held up a knife and demanded money.  When the victim said he had no cash (Seriously, is this kid stupid?  Everyone knows no one carries cash these days.  It’s all about the debit cards, child.), Dow made him go to an ATM.  “Once inside the BB&T on West Street, the victim told police he asked a bank teller for help while Dow waited outside.”  The police showed up and the rest is history.

What is this, amateur hour?  The kid obviously has a long and legendary career on the wrong side of the law ahead of him, but he is really off to a rocky start.

Mistake 1:  Stealing a scooter in broad daylight.

Mistake 2:  Stealing a scooter.  This town is full of filthy rich people with fancy-pants cars that run on dolphin tears and beluga caviar.  Go big or go home, Ronald.

Mistake 3:  Sticking around on the stolen scooter instead of getting the hell out of dodge.

Mistake 4 (The most glaring and therefore the most hilarious):  Letting the victim physically go inside the bank instead of using an outside ATM while he idled outside.  What did he think was going to happen next??  I suppose in a perfect world, the victim would have walked alone into the bank full of other humans with phones and a direct line to the police, and instead of reporting the lunatic adolescent who stole his scooter, would simply take out the cash needed to complete the theft of his vehicle.

But this is hardly a perfect world.  The existence of Lindsay Lohan proves that.

I’m not a criminal, but even I know how to steal a scooter the right way.

Also, I am especially curious about exactly what kind of “scooter” was stolen.  It was never specified in the article, and a sane mind would assume it was some sort of Vespa.  However, a quick Google search reveals that “scooter” can be one of many things.  When visualizing the vehicle that is central to the plot of the story, feel free to use any of the following images:

Option A:

Option B:

Option C:

Personally, I choose to employ Option D: